PERCY: Sweet Jazz Police!
I hereby place you under arrest
for the theft of the Arsene Amulet!
GIOVANNI: Police lady!?
BANZAI BLASTERS: Police Lady?!?
(guns cocking)
(Bugsy and Arnold grunt)
GIOVANNI: Ah!
(Title Theme plays) ♪
WAKE UP!
You've got a lot to do today ♪
Feel proud and wipe your eyes, 'cause hey ♪
Stifle the yawn, You stayed up 'til dawn ♪
Let's see what you been workin' on ♪
IT'S GONE Keep in mind ♪
The DEADLINE is closing in ♪
Your byline, the headline, They're in the bin ♪
Uncompleted, all deleted ♪
WHAT'S GOING ON!? You'll have to crunch ♪
And work til' dawn til' you die! ♪
Cut out the corners, cross the Ts, and dot the Is ♪
Whip out the white-out but keep it in good taste ♪
Just so that no one will ♪
Ever know it's defaced ♪
Epithet Erased ♪
RAMSEY: Episode 6: All's Well that Ends Well
BUGSY: Well, well, well...
It's the little cop who thought she could mess with our men!
PERCY: You've damaged the establishment's door.
I hope you intend to repair that.
(chubby chortle)
Hear that, boys?!
She thinks she can give me orders!
(Bugsy laughs)
Eh?
LAUGH!
(insincere laughter)
Look around you!
In case you haven't noticed,
you're completely surrounded!
Yes... A sobering reminder of
how many have been failed by our society...
You have my sympathy.
But not my surrender.
BUGSY: Ergh- what the?!
What?!?
PERCY: There.
That wasn't so hard, now was it?
BUGSY: Wh...?
What're you punks waiting for?
FIRE!
(gunshots)
(confused Banzai noises)
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU BOZOS AIMIN' AT?!
BANZAI BLASTER: It's not us, sir! Look!
The bullets!
PERCY: Boing~
It seems none of you scofflaws noticed the magnetic field
I erected between my Wizard Towers.
Perhaps if you'd spent more of your school days
studying magical physics instead of drug-peddling and chicanery
you would've been better prepared.
Your firearms have been rendered useless!
Surrender to the law.
Maybe you should've spent more time studying math!
There's twenty of us and only one of you!
GET HER!
You sold me out to a COP!?
Hey, hey hey hey, I didn't know she was after you specifically!
Oh, yeah right!
First those guys take the necklace and now this?
Wh- you LOST THE NECKLACE!?
IT'S BEEN TEN MINUTES!
THEY WERE MEAN, OKAY!?
(Banzai Blaster wailing)
I gotta get outta here- HEY!
Bar Guy! Is there a back door!?
I dunno! I haven't been able to
taste, smell, or see in TEN YEARS!
(Ramsey inhales)
Look.
I'll do my best to draw her attention.
You look for an opening, and try to sneak out of here!
Hey! Cop!
You're looking for the amulet thing, right?
I think the big guy over there has it!
PERCY: Indeed. Banzai Vice Principals,
the third of the 7 Banzai Ranks.
That young man must've come here to
hand the amulet off to his superiors.
THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!
RAMSEY: Make like your necklace and
get lost, kid.
It's fortunate that I happened upon this place.
I'd love to focus on apprehending you all, but
my superiors were clear:
The recovery of the amulet takes priority!
En garde!
BARTENDER: Well, I'll be!
A good, old-fashioned brawl! (hoedown laughter)
I haven't seen one o' them in years!
CAT! Hand me my gun!
Mew! :3
I hope I don't forget that I'm blind again!
Uhhhhhhhhh
Don't worry! His bullets are useless so long as
my magnetic field stays up!
Oh, this ain't buckshot!
It's the HOUSE SPECIAL!
SPELL-'EM-UP SOUP!
Now featurin' up to twenty-two letters of the alphabet!
$3.99 with your choice of side!
ASK ABOUT OUR SENIOR DISCOUNT!
(manic laughter)
Look out he's got SOUP!
My God!
The letters in that soup could be
rearranged to form any number of messages!
...and sometimes knowledge is the most
DANGEROUS WEAPON OF ALL!
Coooome an' GET IT!
(SOUPY GUNSHOT)
BUGSY: OUT OF MY WAAAY!
(chewing)
(Bugsy swallows) Ah...
BIG.
It's time to show you fools the
power of a Banzai Vice Principal!
[Bugsy hovers a finger over his bellybutton...]
BANZAI BLASTER: Uaah! Look out!
THAT'S THE BOSS'S SPECIAL MOVE!
Take cover! Who knows what's gonna happen!?
(Bugsy rattling and chortling)
Huh hah hah hah hah hah!
(BURP)
What was that!?
Some kind of ice blast?!
[Bugsy pats his oversized stomach like a hippo.]
Hmm... not bad!
My power is fueled by food!
When I press this button, it launches an attack!
What comes out is randomized,
so normally I have to eat quite a few things
before I get something good.
But with Arnold here...
We get two... for one!
Hah!
(Coupon chime)
BIG.
(BURP)
(freezing sound)
Oh dear.
Now that's what I call a bargain!
Never underestimate the power of a smart shopper!
TOWNIE 1: These inscribed are crazy!
TOWNIE 2: Let's get outta here!
TOWNIE 3: Damn epithet users, ruinin' our bar!
ARNOLD: You wanna take them out, too?
BUGSY: Let 'em run.
I'm just interested in the cop.
RAMSEY: Uhhh what are you doing?!
Zap him before he gets any closer!
PERCY: I would, but I'm afraid my
stamina is quite low after that acrobatic maneuver.
If I use my epithet much more, I'll pass out.
...also my arm is frozen.
Ah, geez, uh... uh...
[Ramsey grabs a pack of crayons from his pocket and
holds them up, menacingly!]
Hey! ...Don't move!
I got crayons!
ARNOLD What are you gonna do?
Color outside the lines?
BUGSY: Out of the way, Eyeball.
RAMSEY: O-okay! You asked for it!
[Ramsey turns so Percy can't see...
...and changes the tips of the crayons to gold!
He sharpens them like darts and
CHUCKS them at Bugsy's belly,
like he's tryin' to pop a big, ugly balloon!
(Bugsy groans)
That hurts!
PERCY: Gooodness...
What brand of crayons are those?
I certainly hope children aren't buying them...
Or worse...
CONSUMING THEM.
RAMSEY: Well I... was in jail for forgin' some things,
eh, fine arts and such,
they're, uh, forger's crayons! Extra tough.
The crayons of debauchery then.
What a fiendish weapon to conceal beneath the facade of
childlike innocence.
Okay.
Ugh...
Arnold!
Right!
(the sound of savings)
Ahhh...
Uhhh, he's still moving!
Why is he still moving!?
Unfortunately for you, I've exchanged your attack...
For one of EQUAL OR LESSER VALUE!
Appreciate the snack, though.
(chomp!)
HE'S CONSUMED THE DEBAUCHERY!
(Rattling laughter)
RAMSEY: He's doin' somethin'!
Hey! You! You got any other tricks up your sleeve?!
BARTENDER: I used to be a government experiment!
RAMSEY: Yeah, that's about right...
(Rattling laughter intensifies)
(sound of coughing up rubber ducks)
(You know. The standard SFX for coughing up rubber ducks)
Am I having an aneurysm, what is happening?!
What is your power!?
Are you some kinda... failed magician?
BUGSY: It only failed 'cause your crayons were low quality!
I need something worthy of my refined pal-eyy.
Old man! Soup! Now!
BARTENDER: Hoo hoo hoo hoooo boy!
Been a long time since I Shot a customer in the FACE!
Open wide, fella!
We can't let the soup hit his maw!
Wait, hang on!
Let him do it!
YOU'RE STILL HERE?!?
Gimme two seconds!
(Manic laughter, Soupy chomps)
BANG! BANG! (Hoedown laughter)
Huh huh huh huh...
(Steaming train whistle, Bugsy panicking)
Pfft-- PLAAAAH!!!
...okay.
What happened?!
Beeughh...
(burned tongue) Hot! Ish hot...
What's the big idea, old man!?
You tryin' to kill me!?
SOUPY VOICE: It wasn't the old man...
It was I!
GIOVANNI POTAGE!
BUGSY: Oof! Ow!!!
(Evil laughter)
Tremble, fools!
And feel the awesome sting of my ULTIMATE ATTACK:
SOUP THAT IS TOO HOT!!!
(Cackling)
H-h-hey, hey, hey-
(mocking) H-H-H-H-Hey!
What are you gonna do, huh!?
Call your scared little minions to stop me!?
They're too busy hiding under the tables!
Hah ha! Guess you're not very strong after all, huh?
Seriously though. You guys should quit the
Banzai Blasters and follow me!
GIOVANNI POTAGE!!!
PERCY: So, "Giovanni Potage" is your name.
Duly noted!
WHAT. NO. N- NUH UH. UH...
That's my... uh... stage name!
I'm... holding it for a friend?
Aw, dangit...
You think you can just shoplift my minions?
I'll show you!
[He pulls out his wallet and begins
flipping through coupons like a soccer mom!]
You stop that.
Ah, my coupons!
The only sale going on here is
two LOSERS for the price of ONE!
Which is YOU!
HAH. GOTTEM.
LATER NERDS. (Supervillain cackle)
(awkward bumping sounds)
GIOVANNI: Oh. Excuse me!
GOROU: No, no. My fault entirely. Sorry, friend!
GIOVANNI: Nah, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
Sheriff! Thank goodness you're here!
A bar fight has broken out!
Oh no!!!
Is my take out okay?
Here you go, sheriff!
One bag of alphabet soup, hold the soup!
Oh wow, great!
Now I can rearrange the letters and
finally learn how to spell!
Sheriff! I don't know if you've noticed,
but there's an overabundance of
criminals on the premises!
Wow!!!
That's scary!
Sheriff!
(sighs) Well...
At least I learned the Banzai Blaster's name.
And that hot soup did manage to melt the ice binding me...
...all that's left to do is clean up the mess.
(Arnold stammering)
Uh, Bugsy! You alright?
(Bugsy struggling)
GET 'EM!
ARNOLD: Right.
Get out from under those
tables, you cowards! C'mon!
My ability allows you to attack with the
power of five men!
...eh, but only if four of you attack at the same time.
[Ramsey just casually walks behind Arnold and
turns his coupons into gold.]
Wh- NO! MY COUPONS!
You can't scan the bar code if it's gold!
Now they're worthless!!!
(blubbering)
Hmm ... Well.
There's only one thing to do in a situation like this!
Sayanora, suckers!
Bugsy! You ten-ton tub of worthless!
Get back here and help me!!!
BUGSY: (distantly) Laaaateeeer!
(Arnold laughing nervously)
Bye!
RAMSEY: [I trip him.]
A valiant effort.
But I'm afraid no one escapes the long arm of the law.
Now... where did your friend roll off to?
Hah! I ain't gonna sell him out!
Oooh, that's a real shame.
'Cause if ya do I bet this bar has some
pretty great deals we could offer you on meals!
...if you talk.
(whispering) You uh... you got any coupons?
I've got a coupon that takes 20 dollars off your next meal!
...it's called a $20 bill!
(slap)
If you buy a meal over $5 in value,
you get two sides and dee-sert for free!
Plus, a complimentary play on our deer-hunting arcade machine
that doesn't work!
Whaddaya think? Pretty good deal, huh?
It's a limited time offer~!
Uh... I-I shouldn't, but...
Hoo... the potential savings!
Oh, that stuff really adds up!
Oooohohohohoooo...
Alright!
We were plannin' to hop a ride outta here
on the train station out west.
It's just a little ways into the woods.
Now gimme!
PERCY: Understood.
Come along, partner.
We haven't a moment to lose.
Sir, I trust we can leave this man in your
custody until we return?
BARTENDER: Suuure... (manic laughing)
I'm REAL trustworthy...
(untrustworthy hoedown laughter)
Here, cat! Hold m' gun!
PERCY: (unphazed) Very good. Don't let him out of your sight!
BARTENDER: Okay!
Still blind!
I guess that means you're out of m' sight!
Cat.
Hand me my gun.
(meep)
ARNOLD: Epithet Erased!
Ooh, now for my favorite part! The commercial.
BARTENDER: Epithet Erased!
The ghost of my hat haunts me still!
GIOVANNI: How did you manage to
live up to your name in the
ten minutes I was gone?!
CAR CRASH: I dunno man, it's not my fault!
Dude, you've crashed five cars in the same year?
I think you're the common denominator at that point!
The road was wiggly!!!
Okay, first of all, I am like
80% sure you have astigmatism or something and
you should really get that checked out,
I worry about you.
SECOND!!!
That cop knows my name!
I can't go home now...
I gotta get out of here and find some place to hide!
I'm a wanted man!
They're gonna put posters with my face up everywhere!
The police will search my internet history for e-crimes!
Who knows how long I have before they
start sending bounty hunters after me?
Howdy, boys!
Cowboy.
(gun cocking) You got it, buddy!
Maybe you can help a girl out...
I'm lookin' for a necklace.
Train station, train station...
Eh, maybe I can hop on one of the cars and
head outta here before Zora even knows I'm gone!
Nah, those rickety things are so slow I might as well be walkin'.
And she could track me through the forest...
...but so long as I got this wizard cop, I should be safe.
(pained panting)
Whoa. You alright?
Apologies...
...I know time is of the essence, but I...
...haven't fully recovered from that last encounter yet.
...I'm afraid my stamina pool is... rather low.
I wish I'd picked up someething to drink at that tavern...
I... got a pine cone if you want it?
Oh, glady! Thank you very much!
(sipping)
Uh, how are you doing that!?
Hm? Oh!
Have you never before supped upon pinéd cone?
It's quite simple!
You just have to know the proper way to milk the cone.
Never say those words ever again.
Ahh...
Well. It's not much, but it helps.
Thank you...
...I'm sorry, I just realized I never asked your name.
Oh, uh... Ramsey.
Ramsey!
Hm.
Something about that seems...
...familiar, somehow.
HHNGH.
Well, I'm sure it's nothing.
Well met! I am Detective Percival King.
Hey, how ya doin'?
Uh, so, Detective. You, uh...
You zap people, huh?
Bet you zap people a lot, bet you zap 'em pretty good?
I zap only in accordance with the law.
(illegal zap)
TOWNIE: Dagnabbit!
That's public property, officer.
The quality of my buildings is only as good as their foundation
and I'm finding that much of this town is
unsuited for construction.
Take that well, for instance.
There's nothing... well about it.
Hah. A little joke at grammar's expense.
I have now broken the ice.
Wait, there was a tavern and a well 20 feet away
and that sheriff was servin' me pine cones?!
There better not be any water in this thing.
We can easily find the answer to that query...
...to the tune of one Canadian Dollar.
(Ting! Splack.)
It appears to be naught but mud.
CRUSTY VOICE: Ain't had any water in that well for
twenty-odd years.
I oughta know.
I'm the Well Watcher.
...Yeah? Uh, how's that pay?
No one gets paid in Redwood Run!
There's a dollar at the bottom of the well.
(scrambling)
(Yodel! Splack.)
Okay.
That is strange...
I do not think...
...I have ever been to Canada!
Mysteries upon mysteries!
Looks like there's an open spot for Well Watcher...
(illegal zap)
Guess I've been promoted to Sky Watcher.
Congratulations. :)
Okay, we're going.
Right! We can't let those criminals escape!
RAMSEY: Eh... by the by,
you think it's okay to leave that coupon guy
back in the tavern like that?
PERCY: Not to worry,
those were eraser cuffs I put on him.
RAMSEY: (nervous laughter) Oh, you got eraser cuffs, huh?
Every self-respecting officer carries a
pair or two on their person,
just in case of epithet-related tomcanery.
Of course, I must be careful with them.
Anyone in contact with the cuffs forgets their own
epithet entirely, myself included.
(nervous laughter) Haha, yeah, wouldn't want to lose your epithet!
Lemme just write down a little note for myself,
totally unrelated!
You can make gold, you can morph gold,
you can turn yourself into gold,
don't forget, don't forget, don't forget!
PERCY: Indeed!
I'd be quite useless without my abilities.
RAMSEY: Ya keep sayin' stuff like that.
Y'know if ya keep underestimatin' mundies?
They might just surprise you.
Oh?
[He taps his golden eye.]
Wasn't an inscribed who did this to me,
I'll tell you that much.
You never really know what people are capable of.
So keep an eye out!
...Or else y'might lose one.
PERCY: Hm. I'll be sure to keep that in mind.
(sounds of construction)
PERCY: Just as I feared... More Banzai Blasters.
If only I'd radioed for backup before coming into town...
Yeah, good point!
Maybe we'd better head back to the city or
anywhere else! Just...
get as far away from here as possible, y'know?
Eh, we can find more cops that way!
Cops like cops! That's why they're always
refusin' to prosecute each other!
I'm afraid not.
To give up the chase now would guarantee their escape.
Eh... worth a shot.
I don't see that big guy anywhere.
How do you wanna handle this?
Any buildings I construct on a dirt floor will be weak...
And my stamina is still low.
We'll have to play this carefully...
I'll construct a Forge to increase our defenses.
Perhaps we can lure them into some kind of trap...
Next I'll lay down a Wizard Tower-
???: Percival King!
PERCY: Howie Honeyglow...
HOWIE: What're you doin' here, Percy?
This is my claim!
You lookin' to take another job from me and my worker bees!?
(The Worker Bees jeer at her)
Stand down, Howie. I'm on police business.
Hmm...
You uh... you know this guy?
Indeed.
Howie Honeyglow. Contractor and builder-for-hire.
In addition to my police work I do some
architectural consultation on the side.
Howie and I often find ourselves applying for the same positions.
He's one of the best.
HOWIE: Have to be if you wanna stay alive in this business...
If someone else can throw up a building in two hours
with their epithet?
That just means we gotta do it in one.
[Howie begins buildin' at an unbelievable speed,
splittin' iron and sealin' rivets in the blink of an eye,
like the buildin' he's assemblin' is a
toy in a commercial!]
So... he's got some kinda building power?
No. Howie is a mundie.
Wow...
You said it yourself:
They can surprise you.
You can be as mundane as you like
when you know how to do your goddamned job.
VALLEY GIRL VOICE: Hey! That's her!
That's the cop the bosses told us about!
Nobody move, or I will shoot you with my gun!
(clang, clang, clang!)
Um, hello? Did you hear me?!
I said "don't move"!
HOWIE: I ain't involved here.
You do your job. I'll do mine.
(gunshot, shatter!)
I'm for realsies right now!
Don't mess with us, man.
Yaaah, we're the Banzai Blasters,
and as of right now we own this town!
Did you hear me!? I said don't-
(METAL CRUNCH)
Uh...
(Howie grunts)
(Banzai Girls yelp)
I said...
Let me do.
My goddamned job.
U-uh... y-yes, sir!
What the heck?
They didn't tell us there was a monster like that here!
GREEN BANZAI: Yaaah!
The only one we were supposed to keep an
eye out for was that useless sheriff!
BUGSY: Oof! Out of my way!
GOROU: Oh, sorry friend! I like your bib!
BANZAI BLASTER 1: W-w-wait up, boss!
BANZAI BLASTER 2: Yeah, slow down!
(blubbers) Dammit!
Which way was it to the train station?
...Is that where we're going?
That's on the other side of town...
BUGSY: WHAT!?
You baboon!
Where did you think we were headed!?
I dunno, I was following you!
Hey, what's that?
Wah!
Looks like a bullet!
Not sure what it's doin' up here, though!
(bites the bullet)
Hm... not bad!
I could go for seconds!
Oh...
(dials ticking)
(BULLET PUMMELING)
Boss!
It's a good thing bullets aren't lethal
and they just deal minor impact damage!
Why would you feel the need to just declare that out loud?
Oof! Ah!
Ah! There you are...
For a second I was worried I was gonna have to
do some more goose chasin'...
C'mere.
Ugh... that... that's mine!
You can't take it!
I got it fair and square!
Waah, waah, waah, call a waambulance.
No! It's mine! It's mine!!!
(Zora grunts)
If yer gonna cry like a baby,
you might as well look the part!
(dial ticking)
(Bugsy writhes)
(Bugsy's voice grows higher and higher in pitch...)
(baby crying)
Now... Let's see if we can't find Ramsey~
(Cowboy outro theme plays)♪
ZORA: At the stroke of sundown, there's a shadow in the wood ♪
Not sure what she's up to, But you know it ain't no good! ♪
She's a demon, she's a devil, she's a rough-and-tumble rebel ♪
Yeah she's far beyond your level and she's watchin' you... ♪
(Humming) ♪
In the gloamy orange light ♪
You won't live to see the night! ♪
In the woods you hear a whisper ♪ Could it be the phantom drifter?
There's a chance you went and missed her ♪
Just don't turn around! ♪
In a flash she's there behind you ♪
Out of sight and out of mind and now ♪
No one will ever find you Buried six feet down... ♪