Ah!
Hello?
Hello!?
Where did everybody go?
Dad?
Hello?
Hellooooo?
Wh... what time is it? The fieldtrip was supposed to end at four!
Did he really leave without me?
(sigh)
I guess I'll call him...
[She pats her pockets.]
...and he has my phone.
Daaad...
Oh!
Maybe the receptionist's desk has one!
"Internal and emergency calls only..."
(sigh...)
I guess I'll just... walk home.
Huh?
Why is it locked from the inside?
Oh no!
This must be how they catch bad guys who come here to steal!
I bet I already stepped on a bunch of security lasers!
I'm a criminal!
IT'S ALL OVER!!!
Welp. Time to turn myself in.
9... 1... 1!
WOMAN ON PHONE: Hello, this is the cops.
MOLLY: Hi, I'd like to go to jail?
(Explosions!) (Sounds of glass breaking)
(Evil laughter)
Greetings, Sweet Jazz Museum!
We're the BANZAI BLASTERS!
And we're here to ROB YOU BLIND!!!
MOLLY: ...could you hold please?
WOMAN ON PHONE: Okay!
(♪ Title theme plays ♪)
WAKE UP! ♪
You've got a lot to do today ♪
Feel proud and wipe your eyes, 'cause hey! ♪
Stifle the yawn, stayed up 'til dawn, ♪
Let's see what you been workin' on... ♪
IT'S GONE! ♪
Keep in mind the DEADLINE is closing in. ♪
Your byline, the headline, they're in the bin ♪
Uncompleted... ♪
All deleted! ♪
WHAT'S GOING ON!? ♪
You'll have to crunch and work 'til dawn 'til you die! ♪
Cut out the corners, cross the Ts and dot the Is! ♪
Whip out the white-out But keep it in good taste! ♪
Just so that no one will ever know it's defaced! ♪
Epithet Erased! ♪
MOLLY: Episode 1: Quiet in the Museum!
(Molly's father badly singing) ♪
MOLLY: Dad?
(Terrible singing continues)
MOLLY: Dad... Dad!
DAD!!!
MOLLY'S DAD: Uh huh? Yeah? What? What is it, Molly?
People are staring...
Aw, c'mon! I'm just tryin' to JAZZ up the tour!
This is Sweet Jazz City, after all!
Put some pep in your step, With an EP-I-THET~! Yeah! ♪
MERA: Sir.
Your school only booked me for two hours.
Can you PLEASE... quiet down?
Ohoho, yeah! Sure thing! (Loudly) YOU GOT IT!!!
(deep inhale) Okay.
Epithets! Rare powers!
Some people got 'em! Some people don't!
Do you know what it's called when someone DOESN'T have an epithet?
CHILDREN: (unenthusiastically) A mundie...
MERA: A mundie! That's right.
Of course you know, you're not six.
And if you HAVE an epithet, you're inscribed.
Each inscribed person has a unique word attached to their soul that let's them do...
Stuff.
Now. Show of hands: Who here is inscribed?
MOLLY'S DAD: Ooh! Molly! Little girl! Little girl right here, ma'am!
(Molly squeaks)
Oh great...
(Sarcastically) WOW! You must be very lucky!
Only about one in every five people have an epithet!
What can YOUR epithet do?
Go on, Molly. Go on! Tell the lady!
Oh um... nothing much. It's... it's Dumb.
C'mon, kid. Work with me here. I'm not hourly.
No, I mean it's ACTUALLY Dumb-
Okay. Anyone else here have an epithet? Anyone at all???
INDUS: Ooh! Ooh! I do! I have an epithet, Lady Mera!
Noooo!
Anyone else?!
Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I can tell them my epithet!
No Indus, it's fine, I can just move on with the tour!
STINK: I wanna know what his epithet is!!!
(The children woop and holler in agreement.)
Well want no more, children!
For my epithet is...
BARRIER!
And it allows me to make...
BARRIERS!!!
(Indus flexes and the children cheer)
Hah! Isn't this exciting, Molly?
(tiny noise)
Haha, whoooo! Hold onto that energy!
Heh heh... You're gonna need it for the night shift!
Wh- but...
You said you'd be home tonight.
I ran the store yesterday... and the day before that!
I was gonna catch up on homework...
MOLLY'S DAD: Aww, c'mon, Molly!
I'm doin' the "fieldtrip chaperone" thing today.
I already punched my parent card!
That means I get the rest of the day off!
But-!
Aw, this is hard work, kiddo!
I mean, look at all these worksheets we have to fill out!
"What is an epithet"? Oh! It's pretty advanced stuff!
I'm the one who filled them out, though...
Yeah! And I got tired just WATCHIN' you!
In fact: Gimme your phone! I wanna play games!
This school stuff is SO boring!
Hehe, am I right? THIS GUY knows what I'm talkin' about! High five!
Don't touch me.
Seriously though, gimme your phone.
(Sigh) Okay. [She hands it over]
Cool! [He begins playing an obnoxiously loud phone game!]
Hm! It seems your tour group is not very interested in your tour.
Of course they aren't!
This stuff is so basic it's insulting.
But it is our duty as museum guides to make sure the guests
have as enjoyable a time as possible, Lady Mera!
I told you to stop calling me that!
I know! Hey! Children!
Who wants to hear a story about a MAGIC ARTIFACT?
(excited child noises)
YES! It is a special necklace called...
...the "Arsene Amulet".
MERA: Indus.
INDUS: And I am told... that it can STEAL a person's epithet!
MERA: Indus, shut up~!
INDUS: I bet something like that would be pretty valuable!
Valuable enough that somebody might even want to try and steal it!
MERA: Indus~!
That exhibit. Isn't. PUBLIC yet.
I'm sorry Lady Mera.
I thought it would spice up your boring epithet tour!
Because it is a necklace! ...That steals epithets!
How about I stick to giving tours...
...and YOU stick to moving boxes?
Very well! I shall do it...
...with GUSTO!
HRNGGH!!!
Hey! Free treasure!
Let's GET IT!
(cheering)
...You'd better pray that amulet wasn't in there.
I'm sorry, Lady Mera. But at least the children are happy!
Get away from there you little GOBLINS!
Ow! DON'T BITE ME!
Hey! Chaperone! Don't just stand there! DO SOMETHING!
Huh? Oh! Good call! Can't let them get all the good stuff!
TREASURE!!!
Ughhhh...
Worry not Lady Mera!
I shall gain their attention another way!
Children! Look!
My epithet is BARRIER!!!
HRNGGHHH!!!!
MERA: Well, you've got my attention~
STINK: Meh.
(Molly grunts in discomfort)
Indus!? HELP!!!
I'm doing my best!
Perhaps if I flex...
EVEN. HARDER!!!
(VERY LOUD FLEXING!!!)
(the noise continues to grow louder and LOUDER!!!)
Too... loud...!
Hyah! (sound cuts out)
(Sigh) That's better.
Hey dad, I'm gonna go take a walk, okay?
MOLLY'S DAD: Huh? What?
Molly, you know I can't hear you when you're silenced!
Haha! Oh well, more for me! Pull me under again! C'mon, kids!
Oof!
Oh, um... sorry...
[Molly runs off to the empty end of the hall, looking for somewhere quiet to rest.]
[...but as she does, her steps become... uncertain.]
[Her legs start to wobble and her eyes suddenly feel... (yawn) Heavy.]
(yawning) Why am I so tired?
I guess I was up running the toy store the last three nights.
...and tonight.
...and maybe... if I just... I sit down... for a second...
INDUS: Epithet Erased...
...mine is Barrier.
MOLLY: (Sleepy) Epithet... Erased...
MERA: The museum will be closing in five minutes!
♪ Please make your way to the exits! Now! ♪
(children cheering)
Check it out! I totally nabbed this cool sword!
I bet this thing is like SUPER cursed!
Let's throw it at girls!
Haha! YEAH!
(Molly's dad humming)
Hang on!
Feels like I'm forgetting something...
Keys, wallet, phone, keys, wallet, phone...
Hm. Two phones! No wallet!
Welp! That's three!
(exits while whistling)
MERA: Attention! The museum is now closed.
If you are still in the museum! ...Get out!
LOOK UPON US AND FEAR, MUSEUM GOERS!
[He menacing walks over to the potted plant, and-]
[-to show that he is a Certified Bad Dude™-]
[-kicks it as hard as he can!]
(loud, obvious pained noise)
Yup! Shoot that.
(shatter!)
Haha!
That's right!
Just a little taste of what happens when you MESS with US!
(squealing in pain) Ow... it hurts to walk...
BEHOLD! Your worst nightmare in all its DARK GLORY!
[He dramatically flips around!]
[...but he turns too fast and his cape kinda just... smacks him in the face.]
I! Giovanni Potage-
-FEARLESS leader of these BANZAI BLASTERS-
Have come to steal your precious treasures!
TREMBLE BEFORE ME!
Uh... hey! Where is everyone?
That was a really cool entrance!
We broke through the glass and everything!
MOLLY: Uh...
I think the museum is closed for the day?
GIOVANNI: (Scoffs) They must've heard we were coming and run off!
After all, we're not just ANY thieves...
We're the BANZAI BLASTERS!
The baddest of the bad...
POSE WITH ME, MINIONS!
(pathetic fanfare, karate sounds)
[They do. It's bad alright.]
Hi, I'd like to report a robbery?
Hey! Hey! Stop that!
[He reaches back and a roiling ball of red liquid forms in the air]
[He chucks it at the phone and it CLATTERS across the floor!]
Ah!
WOMAN ON PHONE: Hello? ....Hello?
This is my first mission as a Banzai Captain, and
I won't let some little TATTLETALE ruin it!
How'd you like the taste of my epithet, little girl!?
(Molly licks her finger)
Mmm...
It's pretty good, actually! Is this tomato basil?
Thank you, I seasoned it myself!
(stammering) I mean NO!
It's LAVA! Or... ACID!
Uh! Lav-acid!
It tastes like soup! Is your epithet Soup?
Uh... sir? I'm sorry.
I know it's rude to ask, but you are attacking me and all.
...You dare undermine the great Giovanni Potage?!
Ohh, I see how it is!
I bet you must think YOUR epithet is REALLY something huh?
Oh! No, no, no!
You don't have to worry about that!
It's Dumb! No threat at all!
AH-HA! So you DO have an epithet!
GIOVANNI: Teleports behind you...
AH!
[He grabs her by the scruff of her bear hoodie]
[...and holds her aloft! Like a baby kitten!]
(Giovanni laughs)
Another foe effortlessly defeated by GIOVANNI POTAGE.
You're lucky...
I don't have time to toy with you today, little girl!
I've got treasures to steal!
Come my minions! To the VAULT!
...or wherever museums keep their stuff!
Oh! Hold up!
Flamethrower!
Car Crash!
Ben!
You stay here and guard this girl.
We can't have her calling the cops or whatever.
BEN: Aw, but I wanted to see the treasure...
OHH YEAH!? Well I wanted to rob the museum at the stroke of MIDNIGHT, Ben.
But someone couldn't fit it into his schedule and
we had to do it in the AFTERNOON.
So now this girl is here, okay!?
Crusher!
Spike!
Dark Star!
You're with me.
[He sets Molly down in the secretary's chair and]
[ties her up with some duct tape.]
(menacingly) You stay here...
(sweetly) Be good!
Okay.
(sinister laugh)
EVIL!
(chanting) Evil! Evil! Evil! Evil!
Maaan, I can't believe we don't get to steal anything.
This sucks!
Yeah! Thanks a lot, Ben.
It's not my fault!
Mom said she wouldn't drive me around past five!
It wouldn't be a problem if I had a ride, Car Crash!
Oh, HERE WE GO.
You crash ONE car FOUR times and suddenly it's your name!
(Banzai bickering)
MOLLY: Well... this isn't so bad I guess.
Maybe if they finish their robbery quick enough,
they can give me a ride home.
I might even make it back in time for...
...work.
Hello!
[Molly casts a nervous glance at the Banzai Blasters.]
[It doesn't look like they noticed him.]
[She casts a silence bubble around herself and scoots her chair over to the man]
(scootching sounds)
(whispering) Mr. Tour guide!
What are you doing!?
Well, Lady Mera and I are the only guards here tonight
So I was instructed to make sure no one else was here!
Then I looked on the cameras and saw that you were here!
And now a lot of people are here.
And the entrance exploded!
And you know what would fix that? A...
BARRIER!
No no no no no no, shh!
They'll hear you!
See those guys?
They're BAD guys.
(Gasp!) Bad guys?!
Yeah! I need to get home.
Can you get me out of this chair?
I'm using my epithet so they can't hear us,
but we only have so much time until they turn around!
Of course, small girl! Barrier!
[He forms a small barrier the size of a donut in his hand,]
[and begins smacking it lightly against the tape like a cave man.]
Hm. My barrier doesn't seem to be sharp enough!
Can you try ripping it with your hands?
Oh! That is a good idea.
[The barrier disappears and he begins removing the tape.]
Bad guys, eh?
Lady Mera won't like this... She won't like this at all!
I must deal with them for her!
I'm sure they'll leave after they're done stealing things.
Hmph. I cannot allow that.
I am an honorable warrior.
I must fight anyone who opposes my lady's wishes.
[He finishes ripping the tape off of Molly.]
Hey you! Bad guys!
T-they can't--
My name is Indus Tarbella...
...and I challenge you to an honorable duel!
They can't hear you.
Pardon?
They can't hear you.
My epithet makes things quiet.
We're muted right now. ...Sorry.
INDUS: How do I, uh... MOLLY: Just step a little that way.
Oh! Okay, thank you, uh...
YOU THERE!!!
Huh?
You are BAD GUYS.
And so I challenge you to an honorable duel!
Who the heck is that?
And how did he get so toned?
Doesn't matter... he challenged us!
And nobody messes with the BANZAI BLASTERS!
We accept your duel, unreasonably buff stranger!
Banzai Blasters, form up!
(karate sounds)
Hmm! A battle of posing, is it?
Very well! I accept!
[Indus poses!]
[His rippling muscles catch the light of the evening sun!]
[He looks downright majestic.]
HAAAGH!!!
Nobody is a bigger poser than us!
Flamethrower does male cheerleading on weekends!
C'mon, man. Don't tell him that!
There's no reason to be ashamed of it, dude.
Yeah man, you're really good at it!
Uh, shut up! Fine! Whatever! J-just form up!
HYAAAH!
Hm! Most impressive!
You're pretty good yourself! Seems like we're an even match!
...This is so weird.
You! Little girl!
JUDGE US!
Which one of us is the better poser!?
Uh...
Mr. Barrier?
Hah! Victory!
The first strike is mine!
Wait... is HE "Mr. Barrier", or-
BANZAI BLASTERS: Augh!
INDUS: Ah! It appears I am stuck.
No... Flamethrower!
He had the coolest name...
Can I be "Flamethrower" now?
You'll get... a cool name... when you EARN ONE, Ben!
Oh! I know! How about...
"Kidpuncher".
Why would you call yourself "Kidpuncher"-
Oh. Oh! I'm the kid! Oh no!
Quickly, small warrior! Defend yourself!
Uh! Um! But my epithet can't really attack?
I-It just makes things quiet or stupid! Uh!
[She grabs a box of thumb tacks off the secretary's desk and]
[and chucks them across the floor!]
These are now... dumb tacks!
Whoa! Hey! Not cool.
That's super dangerous.
[They lean down and begin carefully picking up the tacks.]
Boss says safety is important.
Yeah! How are we supposed to beat up a small child with
all these thumb tacks in the way?
Wait! I know! What if we go...
Around... the thumb tacks.
MOLLY: Uh oh!
(evil giggling)
In case you're looking for feedback from a focus group,
I just wanted to say that "Kidpuncher" is
Kind of an underwhelming bad guy name- AH!
Huh-hah! And now we have a hostage!
INDUS: A hostage!? No!
A classic Bad Guy maneuver!
I am powerless to save her...
MOLLY: I'm sorry...
INDUS: Do not give up, tiny warrior!
You must never give up!
Remember! You have your epithet!
Surely there must be some way it can help you!
(Molly stammers)
Oh! Uh, okay! There is this one thing I can do! I guess...
I'm not really supposed to use this on people though?
Wait, wait. What was her epithet, again?
I think she said it was "Stupid"?
No...
I said it was "Dumb!"
(Ben makes an idiot sound)
Hey! Why'd you let goof her!? What did you do!?
It worked...?
Okay, it worked!
Um, okay... uh...
You... are... a car!
And you're out of control!
And you REALLY wanna hit...
That guy!
Bluh?
[Ben looks at Car Crash...]
Ben? ...Ben, buddy?
[Ben stares with blank eyes.]
[Eyes one might compare...]
[...to headlights.]
Beep beep!
No... not again!
BEEP BEEP!
Ben, you IDIOT!!!
(violent car chase noises)
(Car Crash screams!)
Wow...
I can't believe that worked!
INDUS: Good work, young warrior!
Can you help free me from this wall?
I'd like to...
but I don't know if the laws of physics will allow it.
Do not worry!
Lady Mera says laws are merely suggestions!
(grunting sounds)
(EXPLOSION)
MOLLY: That's gonna be a lot to clean up.
Maybe we should call the police.
INDUS: Oh no!
I have been explicitly told
not to call the police for ANY reason!
MOLLY: ...Really?
But what about those other guys who ran deeper into the museum?
HM!?! There are OTHER GUYS?!
Oh no... I have to hurry!
As Lady Mera's faithful bodyguard,
I cannot allow those ruffians to get their hands on her!
Come!
MOLLY: Wait! Can I at least use your cell phone?!
GIOVANNI: Epithet Erased!
MERA: Epithet Erased...
(Giovanni laughs)
So THIS is where the museum keeps all of its valuables!
No "Employees Only" sign is strong enough to keep us out!
Alright, lady!
Hand over your treasures!
MERA: What, just like...
All of them?
What's your plan here?
You just gonna waltz out of here
with a literal metric ton of exhibits on your back?
GIOVANNI: Uh... I dunno!
Just the cool ones then!
(mocking) Oh, "Just the cool ones"~!
You dopes didn't think this through at all, did you?
What a waste of my time.
Heh! We'll show you!
I've brought the best-armed Banzai Blasters money can buy!
Oh yeah? And how much does your allowance buy you?
Uh? Three? I think that's pretty obvious.
Stupid lady can't even count.
(evil giggles)
Alright, boys! Take aim!
[They level their peashooters at her]
Fire!
CRUSHER: Huh? ...Hang on. What happened?
INDUS: I'm afraid your bullets have no chance of reaching Lady Mera...
For my epithet... is...
BARRIER!
I-Indus? How did you sneak in so quietly?
You never do anything quietly.
So, we can't hit you from a distance, huh?
No problem...
[Giovanni takes out a wooden bat with a knife taped to it,]
[and crouches down!]
[Steam begins to hiss off of his body!]
Hiyah!
Wh- Where did he go?
Teleports behind you...
I'll show you what happens...
...when you underestimate GIOVANNI POTAGE!
HyaaaaAAAAAAAH!
AIIIEEEEE!!!
NO! LADY MERAAAAA!!!
Ow.
Huh?
MOLLY: I thought you might try that.
Um. Hi. I dumbed down your attack?
(melodramatic music plays) Lady Mera...
I couldn't protect you!
I am...
I AM A FAILURE!
(melodramatic music stops) What... just happened?
My epithet lets me dumb down any pain you feel.
Could I please borrow your cell phone?
I asked your friend, but I don't think he has one.
...or knows what they are.
"Dumb down my"...
Indus! Grab her!
INDUS: As you wish, Lady Mera!
Wh- Hey! What are you doing?
Just following orders!
Why do I feel like I'm being ignored?
Because you are.
We've got limited time here, and you're not worth it!
Indus?
[He hoists Giovanni up in the air,
and tosses him back towards his minions!]
(pathetic squeak)
Boss!
Indus? Scattergun.
Hmph!
(Banzai cries of pain)
Oof!
No!
My boys!
Now do me a favor and pass out.
I don't want anyone else interfering
while I rob this museum.
Huh?
♪ Outro Theme plays
In the dead of midnight ♪
Someone's creeping down the hall ♪
See those yellow uniforms? We're the ones who got it all! ♪
We may trigger an alarm But we never come to harm ♪
Because before the cops can catch us we can call my mom! ♪
We're GREAT AT CRIME! ♪
CAR CRASH: Beware our evil plans!
Yeah we're GREAT AT CRIME ♪
BEN: I never wash my hands!
The boys in blue are here for you ♪
There is nothing they can do! ♪
We scuffle, scram, skeddaddle, up a creek without a paddle ♪
No you cannot rattle us 'Cause we are GREAT AT CRIME ♪
Larceny, incarcerated, arson's kinda overrated ♪
There's no reason to debate it, GREAT AT CRIME ♪
GREAT AT CRIME! ♪